Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
