On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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