do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
