I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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