Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
