Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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