I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
