Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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