you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
