I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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