i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Randomize
