Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
