For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
