my phone needs a breathalizer
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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