He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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