and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
