Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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