Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
