Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
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I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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