I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
