I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
