It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
