i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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