Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
