hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
