dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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