What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
