I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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