You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
