she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
