the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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