I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
