there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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