I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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