Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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