I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
