then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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