And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
