we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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