i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
