ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
