the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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