oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
