I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
