Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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