I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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