A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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