I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
