i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
