I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
