you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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