They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
