Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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