party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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