My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
