It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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