i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
In other news, I just burned my penis
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
