Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
