Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
