And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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