so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
